When my son was a toddler, he had a book called, “The Hardest Word.”
It had lots of funny, hard-to-pronounce words in it, but declared that none of those was the hardest word to say.
What is the hardest word to say?
“Sorry.”
It’s so true, isn’t it?
And here’s the kicker: Saying “sorry” isn’t even enough.
In some ways, I don’t even think it’s the point.
The real “meat” of it, if you will, is actually being sorry, making an effort to repair the damage, and committing to make changes that prevent it from happening again.
That’s why teaching kids to say the words, “I’m sorry” doesn’t really teach the true essence – the skill – of repentance and repair.
This is hard stuff.
Not just for kids, but for adults too.
As with most skills, one of the most powerful ways to teach our kids is by doing it ourselves.
By modeling it for them, through practicing and implementing it with them.
So, the next time you feel that familiar wave of guilt and regret about something you did or said to your child, I invite you to remind yourself that perfection is not the goal, and that these imperfect moments are beautiful opportunities for modeling authentic apology and repair.
How to apologize to your child: A step-by-step guide
When it comes to apologizing to our kids, most of us were never taught how. But modeling real repair is one of the most powerful parenting tools we have. Here are some tips and steps:
Center yourself in authentic and compassionate remorse.
If you don’t actually regret what you did, your apology won’t feel authentic to either of you. Because it isn’t authentic.
On the other end of the spectrum, if you’re spiraling, feeling like you’re a horrible person or parent, that’s also not a healthy or productive state of mind and may leave the other person feeling like they need to take care of you and your feelings.
So, while it may often be possible to apologize easily and with integrity in the moment, sometimes it’s helpful to take some time to process, and to ground and prepare yourself.
Choose a time when the recipient is likely to be receptive.
If you don’t apologize immediately, try to set yourself up for success by choosing a time when your child won’t feel annoyed.
For example, it’s probably not going to go well if you interrupt their favorite TV show in order to apologize.
Asking for consent is a great tool for this. You can say something like, “Hey, I want to apologize for something I said earlier – can we talk about it for a minute?”
Go in with a game-plan.
With practice and experience, the process will come naturally and you can just “wing it.” And your kids may start doing it too! For anyone who isn’t quite there yet, I’ve got you covered.
Here’s a suggested framework for the apology:
- State what you regret doing. Keep this to a specific observation or fact, without judgment or interpretation. (Example: “I’m sorry I yelled at breakfast.”)
- Say why it was wrong. (Example: “It’s ok to be mad, but yelling at someone is not a kind or productive way to express that anger.”)
- Empathize with their side of the experience. (Example: “I’m betting that didn’t feel good to you.”)
- Commit to improving. (Example: “Next time I will try to pause and take a deep breath to help me respond without yelling.”)
- Ask if there’s anything else they need. (Example: “Is there anything else I can do to make it better right now?”)
- Thank them. (Example: “Thank you for listening. Can I give you a hug?”)
Avoid these common apology traps:
I’m not usually a fan of “should” and “shouldn’t,” but in this case I do think there are some things you should try to avoid. This includes:
- Saying, “I’m sorry, BUT…” (Apologies should be “but”-free zones!)
- Blaming them for your feelings or behavior.
- Labeling, name-calling, or using “always” or “never.” (This applies to language about them AND about you!)
- Apologizing for their feelings about your behavior, rather than for your piece of it.
Examples of what not to say:
- I’m sorry I yelled, but it makes me really mad when you don’t listen.
- I’m sorry you feel like I snapped at you.
- I’m sorry I can’t handle it when you’re really lazy.
- I’m sorry it upsets you when I yell.
- I’m sorry I yelled, but you yell too, you know!
Can you imagine what we as a society could accomplish if everyone were able to (a) empathize with the person on the other side, (b) acknowledge and take responsibility for their own errors and limitations, (c) set forth with authentic intention to reconnect, repent, and repair, and (d) be open and receptive to the other person’s efforts to do the same?
I’m not naive. I know the world’s problems are much more complicated than that.
BUT I firmly believe that these small, powerful actions in our own homes ARE an important part of how we, collectively, can heal and shift the world, a little bit more, with each generation. 🙏
