One of the biggest misconceptions about connection-based parenting (or “peaceful parenting,” “gentle parenting,” “conscious parenting,” or whatever you want to call it) is that it means being “permissive”:
No limits. No boundaries. No expectations.
And definitely no consequences!
But that’s just not true.
The reality is that you can – and, I would argue, should – use some limits, boundaries, expectations, and yes…even consequences.
(And so should your kids! 🤯)
The key is to use these in ways that support your child, rather than control them.
What does that actually look like?
When it comes to consequences, I believe there are 3.5 kinds. And the magic lies in understanding the differences.
The 3.5 types of consequences (according to me (Dr. Gila)):
1. Natural consequences
These happen without the parent doing anything. They can be a great learning opportunity and do not damage the parent-child relationship.
👉 EXAMPLE: Child doesn’t wear a jacket and feels cold when they go outside.
👉 MY RECOMMENDATION: Use freely, as long as there are no safety concerns
2. Unrelated consequences
This is a consequence that does not logically relate to the incident. These are not very helpful and can be damaging.
👉 EXAMPLE: If you don’t wear a jacket, you can’t watch a movie tomorrow.
👉 MY RECOMMENDATION: Do not use
3a. Related, delivered as punishment
This is a consequence related to the behavior, but the intention and tone of delivery come from a place of wanting to control or punish. This can damage the relationship.
👉 EXAMPLE: “If you don’t put this jacket on right now we’re not going to the playground!” 😡
👉 MY RECOMMENDATION: Avoid when possible.
3b. Related, used to support
This is a consequence related to the “problematic” behavior, delivered with the intention of supporting the child in the context of their difficulty.
👉 EXAMPLE: “I get it, you really don’t want to put your jacket on right now. It’s not safe to leave without a jacket when it’s so cold, so we’ll stay home and go to the playground another day.”
👉 MY RECOMMENDATION: Use when appropriate; careful not to over-use.
⭐️ IMPORTANT ⭐️
Consequences aren’t inherently bad – they’re a natural part of life! But they’re not all created equal. If you keep connection, compassion, and support at the center, you’re on the right track. ❤️
And remember: You won’t get it “right” every time. Rupture and repair are part of the parenting journey, and are an opportunity to model imperfection and personal growth. If you missed the mark, you can always circle back. ❤️
